T [Wreck]

Here is a little background on myself. Ok so I grew up with a lot of violence, negativity, communication, broken family, the line you can do anything you want to, but were not gonna really support your choices, and high expectations.

1. Violence: 

For the first ten years of my life I'd say I witnessed my mom getting the crap beat out of her and verbal abuse from my sister. And to that really extreme physical abuse to my sister from her first husband( My sister has had seven kids which none of them she has. Two of them my mom has custody of, they consider me their brother, thats sort of awkward. One my cousins adopted, they don't speak to me or my mom. The rest are somewhere in the system. I don't even know what they look like or where they are, but in some way I'm attached to them cause i named five out of the seven myself. is that weird?). Not so fun stuff. 

2. Negativity: 

To fault of my mom she has been, grew up being negative. Thanks to my grandparents. They are the old school old people, but they never went out spent family time together are extremely conservative, somewhat racist, not so much people people( I say grandparent but my grandfather passed away nine years ago. I was there when he died, heard him breathe his last breath, held his and my mom,grandmother and myself told him it was o.k. to just let go and be with God. It was pretty moving cause ironically at the same time I hated God). I really do love them a lot though despite these things but how your parents and people that are constant in your life growing up act you don't trial far behind. Even though I'm really trying to make an effort to change this through God.

3. Communication: 

I really suck at talking. I think it has to do with the lack of communication between myself and my step-father. Things were o.k. until he and my mom got married after that. It just stopped. There was a complete hatred. Another thing is that there was a lot of arguing and yelling growing up between my sister and my mom. Then visiting grandmom and pop-pop wasn't so easy either. I remember one day they were arguing about something so efffin trivial that it didn't even make sense. I ran out the door hysterically crying and left the house and went for a walk on the railroad tracks thinking is this what life really is and contemplating suicide because I didn't want any part of that life.

4. Broken Family: 

My family for some unknown reason has always been considered the black sheep of everyone. I guess it had to do with my grandparents and parents decisions and lifestyle. So I have missed out on getting to know the rest of family, and it sucks just not knowing. The connection just isn't there. No one in my family ever takes themselves out of their world to see the whole picture. Probably because they don't have God in their lives.

5. We're gonna support you, but not really:

I did grow up with a father figure in my life, but not the one you would really want. What I really wanted and had a passion for could "not be had for any son of mine" he said. I wanted to dance there was no denying that fact. It was the greatest feeling in the world I could actually do something and be good at it. Nevertheless after years of begging and pleading I finally was blessed with the opportunity to start. Today now he says that he is proud of me but the fact of not being believed in at a young age affects my mindset now I still think i can't do anything really. Although I do know that all things are possible through Christ.

6. High Expectations: 

Growing up parents always expect the best of their children.  I mean no one is perfect and kids have a lot of learning to do. But every time I screwed up or did something lower than their expectations I was compared to my sister. "Do you want to live like your sister?" or " Your sister can even do this, and she's retarded, are you retarded?". I was always being compared to other people and how if I wasn't perfect all the time I would end up nothing. Loads of positivity with that one.

So, I'm praying that sharing at least the tip of the iceberg I will start the healing process. Receive all guidance from God.