Let The Waters Rise

⊆ 8:55 AM by Tony[D] | ˜ 0 comments »

So I'm at a point where I have to and need to be comfortable with myself. For years I've been srtuggling with who I am and why. I've made the choice to be gay. I have so many people that accept me for who I am already regardless of any choice or choices I make. I have faith it's gonna be ok. If you don't like me oh well. No need for fake judgemental people. Ok thanks =]

 

Grandmom

⊆ 6:49 PM by Tony[D] | ˜ 0 comments »

Here I am in Jersey again. My grandmom is in the hospital. She's been in there for 19 days! It all started with a simple doctors visit. She had been complaining about having some trouble breathing. So her doctor told my mom to take her immediately to the hospital to get that checked out. 

My mom was in the ER with her for about eighteen hours with no sleep really. They had found out that she had fluid in her lungs, not so great. Then after blood work and all that shenanigans that they put you through to admit you, they finally did admit her. This was on I think a thursday or friday. 

Saturday: After some more testing they found that she has congestive heart failure again, almost exactly a year later to the date. 

Sunday: More tests and she got some rest.

Monday: Mild heart attack. Which no one informed my mom of until wednesday of that week.

Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday: They put her on meds for her lungs so she could breathe better and to get the fluid out of her heart and lungs.

Friday: I showed up at six in the morning, after driving for six almost seven hours. Quite a lonely trip to take. She was scheduled for a catheterization that morning. It was so wonderful that they finally came to get her hmmm.... around two-thirty. None of us were very happy and she couldn't eat anything. So we went down to the cafe and got something to eat and smoke. Which the smoking at the hospital is funny because you can't smoke anywhere on the property(like you used to). You either have to go to car which is a million miles away or walk to the street and smoke on the sidewalk/curb area. I felt like a crack-head. Nevertheless she still wasn't back yet. My sister and I went home and mom stayed. She eventually got back to her room. Not so good news follows. She needs open-heart surgery to replace her aortic valve and four of her major supply lines in the heart are blocked. Lovely.

I must say that my grandmom isn't really a hospital person. She is being a real trooper going through all of this. More developments came up in order to prolong her surgery. In addition they screened her for cancer. Oh guess what she has it, colon cancer. Which is frightening because that is what her father died of right in this very house. All so comforting.  So that night for her was hell having to take medicine to prep her for the screening of that. She is also loosing control of her bodily functions if you know what i mean. Due to that they had to put a foley catheter in so she can go without going everywhere. Then they noticed that she had blood in her urine. Like a lot. So her kidneys are messed up in some way and she is having kidney stones. 

That is pretty much what going on with her. It's really a lot to handle right especially being back in New Jersey. Its also hard on me because everyone is concerned about me with school and everything, but I'm doing everything I can right now in this situation. I feel as if people are putting the stress on me of letting them down. Not really caring about me in this whole thing. I know certain people have expressed to me that they do. I and can tell the people who really are concerned. Some not so much but nonetheless, she is on the schedule for surgery on monday sometime in the after-noon. I am hoping and praying that everything goes well =/  

 

Something to think about

⊆ 6:15 PM by Tony[D] | ˜ 0 comments »

This might hurt, its not safe, but I know that i've I gotta make a change. I don't care if I break at least  i'll be feeling something. Cause just o.k. is not enough, help me fight through the nothingness of life.

I don't wanna go through the motions, I don't wanna go one more day. Without your all consuming passion inside of me. I don't wanna spend my whole life asking what if I had given everything? Instead of going through the motions.

No regrets not this time. I'm gonna let my heart defeat my mind. Let your love make me whole. I think im finally feeling something. Just o.k. is not enough, help me through the nothingness of this life.

Take me all the way. I don't wanna go through the motions. I'm finally feeling something real. I don't wanna go, I don't wanna go, through the motions

I don't wanna go through the motions.

-matthew west





 

Short

⊆ 4:55 PM by Tony[D] | ˜ 0 comments »

Maybe no one takes me seriously, cause I don't. Hmm go figure. I can never really stick to anything. But you know what screw it I'm applying to ODU and if it doesn't work out NYC here I come.

 

Background

⊆ 8:11 PM by Tony[D] | ˜ 1 comments »

Here is a little background on myself. Ok so I grew up with a lot of violence, negativity, communication, broken family, the line you can do anything you want to, but were not gonna really support your choices, and high expectations.

1. Violence: 
For the first ten years of my life I'd say I witnessed my mom getting the crap beat out of her and verbal abuse from my sister. And to that really extreme physical abuse to my sister from her first husband( My sister has had seven kids which none of them she has. Two of them my mom has custody of, they consider me their brother, thats sort of awkward. One my cousins adopted, they don't speak to me or my mom. The rest are somewhere in the system. I don't even know what they look like or where they are, but in some way I'm attached to them cause i named five out of the seven myself. is that weird?). Not so fun stuff. 

2. Negativity: 
To fault of my mom she has been, grew up being negative. Thanks to my grandparents. They are the old school old people, but they never went out spent family time together are extremely conservative, somewhat racist, not so much people people( I say grandparent but my grandfather passed away nine years ago. I was there when he died, heard him breathe his last breath, held his and my mom,grandmother and myself told him it was o.k. to just let go and be with God. It was pretty moving cause ironically at the same time I hated God). I really do love them a lot though despite these things but how your parents and people that are constant in your life growing up act you don't trial far behind. Even though I'm really trying to make an effort to change this through God.

3. Communication: 
I really suck at talking. I think it has to do with the lack of communication between myself and my step-father. Things were o.k. until he and my mom got married after that. It just stopped. There was a complete hatred. Another thing is that there was a lot of arguing and yelling growing up between my sister and my mom. Then visiting grandmom and pop-pop wasn't so easy either. I remember one day they were arguing about something so efffin trivial that it didn't even make sense. I ran out the door hysterically crying and left the house and went for a walk on the railroad tracks thinking is this what life really is and contemplating suicide because I didn't want any part of that life.

4. Broken Family: 
My family for some unknown reason has always been considered the black sheep of everyone. I guess it had to do with my grandparents and parents decisions and lifestyle. So I have missed out on getting to know the rest of family, and it sucks just not knowing. The connection just isn't there. No one in my family ever takes themselves out of their world to see the whole picture. Probably because they don't have God in their lives.

5. We're gonna support you, but not really:
I did grow up with a father figure in my life, but not the one you would really want. What I really wanted and had a passion for could "not be had for any son of mine" he said. I wanted to dance there was no denying that fact. It was the greatest feeling in the world I could actually do something and be good at it. Nevertheless after years of begging and pleading I finally was blessed with the opportunity to start. Today now he says that he is proud of me but the fact of not being believed in at a young age affects my mindset now I still think i can't do anything really. Although I do know that all things are possible through Christ.

6. High Expectations: 
Growing up parents always expect the best of their children.  I mean no one is perfect and kids have a lot of learning to do. But every time I screwed up or did something lower than their expectations I was compared to my sister. "Do you want to live like your sister?" or " Your sister can even do this, and she's retarded, are you retarded?". I was always being compared to other people and how if I wasn't perfect all the time I would end up nothing. Loads of positivity with that one.

So, I'm praying that sharing at least the tip of the iceberg I will start the healing process. Receive all guidance from God.

 

Broken

⊆ 7:25 AM by Tony[D] | ˜ 1 comments »

So I believe that every one is broken in some way or another. There are no perfect people. Everyone sins, everyone lies, everyone does bad things. We can't help it its in our nature. 

God made us in His image. Not exactly like him, but similar. He gave us life. And in return were meant to give him ours. " For whoever wants to save his life will lose it, but whoever loses his life for me will save it." Luke 9:24.  See the thing about free will is it will either greaten your life or completely destroy it. I'm proof of both. God gave this to you, so you can of your own free will either choose to follow Him, or follow the world and the people in it. Which in turn turn directly to you following Satan.
 Satan was cast out of Heaven for his need and want to be like God or even more than that. God saw something change. Selfishness and vain came into play. No one is really sure the time period between the time he came to earth and the time we were created. So you can imagine that he is really pissed off. He is going to do everything he can to destroy us and take control of our lives. You can bet your bottom dollar on that.
God on the other hand is in control. Control of the outcome of your life, where you will go, who you will meet. Now don't get me wrong but you still have the free will. There are certain choices you will make that will change your life. He is already anticipating it. Pretty much he like a dad that wants you to make the best decisions for you. Faith also plays a big part. If you don't have faith in Him, He won't completely reveal Himself to you. He always cares and loves you no matter what. But do you love and care for him all the time no matter whats going on in your life? Probably not.

We were placed in the world for a reason. Plain and simple to:

1. Love God
2. Love People
3. Serve God
4. Serve People



 

Jobless, Unemployed, Etc.

⊆ 8:23 PM by Tony[D] | ˜ 0 comments »

Yet again another twelve o'clock night. Having a job would not permit me to be staying up and sleeping in all the time, but lack there of does. 

So lost my job after 3 months for good reason. Well maybe I had a good reason for letting it happen but they weren't exactly innocent either. I mean i should have called more frequently but I didn't. They should have answered the phones when I did.
 It sucks not knowing whether you have a job or not. The anxiety kills you. Its like waiting to hear about someone on their deathbed. You know the outcome your just praying and hoping that your worst thought wouldn't come true. In my life it seems that most of negative thoughts and feeling come true. I think i've gotten past that thought, thinking everything bad thing happens to me. With having God in my life now I know its not true. I'll talk about that some other time.
My accelerated unemployment started right after Christmas, Christmas of all days. Kayla and I went up to Jersey to visit family. I wasn't quite sure how it was going to work out knowing i had work the next day. I has already told my supervisor I wouldn't be there more likely than be there. In the rush of getting ready, packing, and dressing up for Christmas Eve service, I forgot my phone charger. So Kayla and I packed my little piece of crap car and left for service, hmmm with the three Miller kids. FUN! Those kids really don't listen to anybody other than Kevin and Jada. Well not even them most of the time, but kids are kids.  So service was undoubtedly amazing. The amount of people that showed up just to worship Him was astounding. Aside from that after chatting and cookies we left. 
We got to New Jersey sometime around four or five. (We had made a pit stop in Salisbury Maryland to see some pretty important people, Kayla texted Brian and told him we were coming. He in turn told Nicole. It was mostly to surprise Caitlin. She works an outrageous schedule. So tipping off Brian we would ensure she would be there. We got there she WAS surprised. It was great and sad at the same time seeing friends but being able to stay. Thats all I have to say about that. =) )That drive was near hellish. So Christmas day I spent with my family, Kayla spent sleeping. :) Anyway my phone was dead. At that point realized that I was screwed for my phone until we got home. So blah blah Christmas Dinner. Then I left my house to go get Kayla to bring back to my house. Instead I became instantly sick. I mean really really sick. I couldn't stand it. I was cold, shivering, sweating, my throat hurt, nauseous, headache, and was overwhelmingly tired. Plain and simple I was sick.So Kayla said she would call in the morning to let the know I was sick and calling out. OH! but wait she couldn't because my phone was dead. Hmmm how would she get the numbers. Exactly. So that was the first of many days of not calling in.
We spent some time with our families sort of cause I was still not feeling good the next day. We then headed home around 5 or 6. Not exactly the scheduled time we had expected to leave but I really didn't want to drive. Kayla had offered to drive the whole way but I really couldn't expect her to do that since she has never driven that long before. So i drove from Jersey to Maryland. About three and half hours for the half. She then drove the other two and a half from Maryland to Virginia. We got home around one in the morning, maybe. The last hour or so of the trip was quite comical, because I think she was just a tid bit tired. Also the fact that people were improperly using their signals,  these amazing sing-along songs kept coming on, and every now again when I would look at the road it would be swerving a lil back and forth. So I'm glad we actually made it home. Then lo and behold we both call out the next day.
So after significant not calling in, just because I was afraid of the outcome, I lost my job.  I'm not even really sure they knew who I was to fire me anyway. But here is the killer. I was not told by anyone in the company I was fired, face to face or over the phone. Our next door neighbor who is a supervisor there( the person that got me the job), told Kevin.  Which to my recently learned knowledge your not, by law, allowed to do that. Hmmm fun stuuf right?
So more than 30 or so applications later, still no job.